Mesaj de la Regina

Sunt abonat (de foarte multa vreme) la Weekly Humour List, poate singurul newsletter pe care il citesc cap-coada in mod constant, si asta pentru ca bancurile din el sunt de fiecare data absolut excelente. Cu toate acestea, o parte a newsletterului de azi mi-a placut in mod deosebit. Se refera la regulile pe care le-ar impune Coroana Britanica americanilor daca acestia din urma ar deveni iar supusii ei (mai ales acum, cand au intors lumea invers cu gafele lor economice). Cum ar fi pacat sa le traduc, pentru ca li se pierde savoarea, le impartasesc cu toata lumea in varianta originala. Clic pe “Read more” pentru a le vedea.

Subject: Message from the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty

Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to adequately manage your financial affairs, we

hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective

immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English

Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume

monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except

Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown,

will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’

‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’

without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced

by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your

vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such

as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let

Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be

adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the

elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,

or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used

for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or

speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if

you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will

go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the

British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as

beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred

to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for

pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the

beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for

them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so

that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears

removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or

wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host

an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will

let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their

deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies

due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with

saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;

plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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